


This Disappearing Land

by Neffectual



Series: 104 Reasons to Stay Alive [24]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cannibalism, Command Decisions, F/M, Female Hange Zoë, M/M, Starvation, hunger, orisor inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-23 10:33:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2544359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The corps are starving. With no food in the fields and no money coming in, Erwin is going to have to come up with a solution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Disappearing Land

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thirteendaze (Thirteenthesiac)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thirteenthesiac/gifts).



> Cannibalism. Title from the Nick Cave song 'Red Right Hand'.

It has been a hard winter, and they have run from titans many times, rather than stand and fight, too exhausted to rise from the saddle. The ground is hard and nothing grows, and what meagre supplies they have been allotted dwindle as soldiers save themselves instead of the crates of food. When Erwin thinks of the piles of now spoilt food which they have left behind in garrison after garrison, it makes his empty stomach turn, and he has to fight not to retch up the thin gruel which is all he allows himself to eat. The corps are getting thin and sallow, and Hanji pauses in her calculations, hands running over the numbers as if she can change them simply with her touch, her eyes shining with tears instead of her usual excitement, but they don’t fall, because she knows better than to waste precious salt and moisture on simple sums. Levi sips tea, from the one teabag they salvaged six months ago, and Erwin is sure there can’t be any flavour left by now, but long gone are the days when he could have tasted that sour mouth to find out. The first thing to die when the situation went south was any belief that Levi cared for him as anything beyond a simple co-worker, and just as their grand romance fell apart, so Mike and Hanji grew closer, bony fingers sliding together, and Hanji wearing bruises where Mike’s hipbones press into her too-thin thighs when they have fast, desperate sex, wasting energy to remind themselves that they’re alive.

Erwin has his own little secret, a lover he never saw himself with, but Armin has shown himself to be intelligent and cunning, vicious when he needs to be, but with a heart of gold when it comes to those he cherishes. It’s almost enough to calm the poison which roils in Erwin’s stomach when he sees Eren slip out of Levi’s rooms in the mornings, his eyes downcast to avoid a confrontation, to know that Armin is curled beneath his sheets like a sleeping angel, mop of fair hair askew, and that when he wakes, his eyes will be carefully bright with just enough emotion to make Erwin’s pulse race. With Levi, everything was calculated, but Erwin never knew until it was too late, and he was no longer enough – with Armin, they are both open about how much they do not want to give, and just how many secrets they keep from each other. Where Armin goes on the nights when they are not together, Erwin does not know, and Armin has cautioned him never to ask, because he will not like the answer. All Erwin knows is that those are the same nights when Eren disappears, too, although not Mikasa, and that they come back looking tired, drained and sore. Eren’s eyes are frightened and wide the next morning, while Armin will saunter his way to the command table and place himself deliberately in Erwin’s lap, all lithe body and promises of what they can do when they’re alone. Mikasa will glare from her seat, but it is clear that not even she knows what goes on, and Erwin briefly has to wonder if they tie her down to stop her following, before remembering that she is, above all else, a good soldier, and that good soldiers don’t waste their energy by wondering what their comrades are up to.

The first time Erwin sees it, he almost takes himself back inside and considers that he might have to start wearing glasses. The form of a titan is unmistakeable, even in the moonlight, and the small figure upon the shoulder of the titan is even more recognisable, because he’s seen the way that hair moves in the half light of his bedroom, has seen how those shoulders curve, and could recognise them even in the dead of night. He watches as the smaller figure unlocks gates and skips gaily along until they are outside the wall, out into the hunting grounds. And that is what they are, he realises, Armin leading Eren out to hunt in the darkness, where he can truly be the titan that he is. It’s a difficult situation to be in, Erwin knows, because he sees the way Armin watches Levi, the way his eyes narrow, calculating, but he is never caught staring. Levi was proud of the way he never rolled over easy, never gave in without a fight and a courtship which was long and complicated; Armin was the opposite, timid and eager, with a virgin’s nervousness which has blossomed into a voracious appetite for sex, which Erwin is too proud to admit he sometimes struggles to keep up with. Where Levi is hard, bitter, vicious, Armin is soft, sweet, gentle – but Erwin does not pretend he does not see the hungry way the blond watches Levi, the way his eyes trace movements he later copies, as if he is building himself a sharper shell with which to armour himself against the world. Erwin wants to take him to one side and tell him that he is not looking for another Levi, not looking for a replacement for harsh words and rough sex, but a softer counterpart, easier on old bones and with more compassion than lust. But when he watches Armin riding Eren’s titan shoulder, and hears the bellow of that huge body, finally free after so many nights cooped up and unable to roam, he wonders if Armin isn’t hiding just as much underneath the surface as Levi always was.

Later that night, Armin crawls between the sheets smelling of fresh, clean sweat and wet earth, and curves his warm body against Erwin’s cold skin, pressing hot kisses to the back of his neck. When Erwin turns and cradles his smaller lover to him, he notices the curve of Armin’s belly, the swell where everyone else is becoming concave, feels that Armin’s ribs and hipbones are not sharp enough to cut, that he is, impossibly, putting on weight when all around him are losing it, and he tries not think about it as he drifts back to sleep. In the morning, he scrubs at red kiss marks branded on his skin in dried blood, and shuts his eyes against the thought of what might be happening in those dark nights, when his lover leaves him to cavort among the creatures beyond the wall. Where he thought Levi was wild, Armin is untamed, feral and raw, moving from innocent to cold at a moment’s notice, and he hates that he compares the two, both diminutive but so strong, in different ways. But when Armin comes to bed with blood on his lips, and kisses him, sweet and copper-sharp, his heart beating like a drum with arousal, Erwin knows that he has to do something to stop this, that he has to make a stand against whatever it is which leaves Armin’s belly full and swollen, and his eyes bright like he’s been swallowing starlight. The wounds Armin leaves on him get deeper and more painful, vicious bites which are deep into the muscle, leaving the older man moving stiffly, the circles of teeth marks healing slowly as Armin’s stomach grows rounder, until Erwin is sure someone will notice, will call him out on it and ask whether there is preferential treatment for the lover of a commander. Erwin thinks of the small spoonful of gruel he ate for his only meal today, and wonders whether there will be even that tomorrow, then runs a hand over Armin’s curved belly, so full and soft, and quietly considers his options in the dark.

The next morning, there are cries of joy from the recruits at the scent of frying meat, and there are tender pieces of red meat to sink their teeth into. Breakfast, for once, is a joyous affair, with chatter and laughter from the tables around the rooms, and Armin’s new position in the kitchens is not commented on, until he slides into the seat next to Erwin, his plate graced with far less than those around him – but then, his last good meal was not so long ago. Erwin himself is ignoring his squeamish brain and allowing his hungry stomach to savour the meat, letting his belly feel full for the first time in months. Hanji is picking at her food, because he had to tell someone, and she was the only person who could work out how long they had left if they did not begin this grisly task, and he notices Mike is not eating at all. Hanji will convince him, Erwin is certain, because he needs his strength, and she will not lose him, but he can clearly smell the butchery going on in the kitchens, although Armin has been careful to keep most of the evidence hidden, and has no blood on him. Levi eats ravenously, and Erwin prays the man will forgive him when he finds out what they have done. When they are finished eating, Erwin lets Armin take him by the hand and lead him into the kitchen, where Erwin baulks at the ribcage and pelvis sitting, divested of all flesh with expert skill on the shining surface of the stove. The taller man does not look to see whether the meat was removed with knives or with teeth, because he is not certain he wants to know. He may have allowed this to happen, but there are still parts which he does not want to think about. Armin stands on tiptoe to kiss him, and Erwin lets it happen, pulling the smaller blond closer.  
“You’ve saved all of us.” Armin says, softly, dropping back to flat feet, and pressing his head to that broad chest, “And humanity too.”  
Erwin keeps silent. He, himself, is not so sure.


End file.
